and i'll make a million more.

its starting again this feeling of something bigger, something great- change.
i can taste it it smells of autumn and beginnings and ends and excitement and energy.
and inside my head i am flowing changing..becoming
each day..everyday out of the ordinary peoples faces are turned upward the sky is lifting?
our eyes are drinking it in- thirsty.
there are vibrations in the ground, silent and still earthquakes only felt if you are frozen.
pause time- and wait
we are moving now and this is the beginning of it
the shifting and i feel it in my bones and in my veins and in my fingertips.
it strains to get out of me and become something tangible real
its need, lusting for this energy to take its form.
youll be in time for the explosion my nervous system, that is.
i am on the edge, over the line peering over at the limitless impossibilities. hands held high.
reaching for something for..you.. for your hands..
this is where the road falls away and we are left with nothing to guide us on
we have that hunger in our eyes and the energy pouring from our  hearts.

ive been convinced that there are infinite possibilites passing me every day, and i am convinced that all of what happens, happens for a reason. 

i wish i could convince myself that the days have passed since ive found myself grinning in public, fully content with my past and present. fully hopeful with my future. i wish i could convince myself that im surrounded by good people. that i am in control of all that i do. i wish i could convince myself that i am not unhappy in any part of my life.

its strange how little we settle for, how much we are willing to compromise of our dreams to do what we think is necessary, when really nothing is necessary if we are willing to think around the obvious.

i wish i could say i have no more menial  part time jobs, no more distractions to what i want to do, and what ive already started. but im prepared.. more then ever.. im done with struggling towards things that were never meant for me.




just my ...perspective.

 im sorry for being pushy and not giving you the space i said i knew you needed and for wanting you to miss me like i miss you. 
im sorry for not realizing that i am not being gentle enough with you because i cant make you miss me and i cant understand what is going on inside of your head. im trying to conform to my standards of beauty because i think that needing another person is a very beautiful thing. i see so much in you and you see something in me not sure what it is yet, and for that i am also sorry. i had  a feeling from the beginning that i wasnt good enough for you at all, or maybe just not grown up enough to meet your standards.

its very unkind to ask somebody to hate herself so that you can stop yourself from hating you....

i want your mind next to mine in our bed in illinois with our two dogs underneath the covers snorring.

i want to make myself at home in my cabinet full of recess and soup.

i want our tan walls and our matching couches and our big tv that plays movies i cant focus on. i want your chest for resting my head only because i can hear your heart.

i want your fingers for playing with my hair. 

i want your messages in the afternoon saying when your going to be home and asking what is for dinner. i want your comfortable hugs when i return.

i want your laughter your interruptions. i want the gifts. the thoughts. the other peice of my ring for our wedding on my finger. our notes. our pictures.

and..i want you to leave with the same grace that you arrived. i want your effortlessness applied equally and for you to go with the knowledge that you were not like the last man. you did not take more than you left. you considered me good enough to tend to, to care for.


i want you to fill in the necessary ways, to reciprocate the final peace youve instilled in me for now so that ill be too busy listening to your storeis to wonder if the last man will ever return to me and reclaim the role you are filling.

all im trying to say..

is that i want you.

i will never get enought rest and i need to build healthy relationships for myself to be okay.

but i love you.

something has taken a hold of me. its not quite emptiness, not quite sadness. i am alone in this body, and i cant understand that ..before this, i  never wanted to face that . its easy to fall into patterns that last for years, comforted by familiarity and blind to how destructive they can be.

i dont know why, but i have so much anger inside of me, with no direction. i am not mad at any one thing, or person, but everything and everyone all at once.

i am furious at people that dont agree with me.
who talk too much.
who dont get excited when i am.
but perhaps anger is too strong of a word for this, perhaps extreme annoyance is more fitting, and this is why i loose so many people in my life.


i have extreme annoyance for those who love me.
who hate me.
who judge me or smile at me or
only pretend to be listening.
people who dont give full attention in a serious conversation.
i feel like a child in a toy store whose parents saying "NO" remember? imagine that feeling expanded to include all of humanity. everyone, everywhere telling you "no, liz." to the one thing that you want, even if you dont exactly know what it... is..

my goals are small. i dont care. the more older i get, the more happy i am to settle for the mundane, but i refuse to be content with that also. i cant.. do it sometimes.